Failed Visionary
Is there any point in sitting here at all:
courting luck without design; stretching out
a dry spell; groggily awaiting the occasional spark;
comforting myself in the knowledge
of what I might be capable of,
while watching my capabilities slipping by;
satisfying myself that I can’t sink any lower.
Then, sinking lower.
Contact with anybody
who has produced work of quality
fills me with a thwarted yearning empathy,
an implausible sense of fraternity,
a melancholy sting. Regret and resentment
gnawing at me, eating me alive.
This is what you reap
when you haven’t sown anything.
I have spent my entire life
preparing to do something
that I am never going to do.
I thought that accumulating
all this learning and experience
might result in something: a body of work…
or a body. While neglecting to take into account
that I might have to do something to achieve that end.
I don’t care about anybody else’s problems:
They are not as serious as mine.
My sadness is not only deeper than yours:
It is wider and in every respect richer.
Appearing with Stewart Home and Jarett Kobek:
Odd Fellows Hall, 26 Seventh street, San Francisco, CA 94103. Thurs Feb 28th. 7pm
Human Resources Gallery, 410 Cottage Home street, LA CA 90012. Sun March 3rd. 7.30pm
I tried, to no avail, to rot.
I really gave it my best shot.
But vitality kept getting in the way, appearing
unexpectedly, when I was most hopeful
of abandoning hope.
But still I refuse to give up
on giving up. I remain optimistic
that I still have it in me.
A sudden deadness
accompanies satisfaction,
and nothing else
satisfies.
I want you to want to give me pleasure.
I want you to be satisfied by my satisfaction.
I am excited by the thought of your being excited by me.
Please understand that these feelings you inspire in me
are a tribute to your qualities.
Maybe it should be accepted, even if it is unwanted.
After all, it is a gift, wrapped in expectation
and filled with hopelessness: a delicately dull grind.
Just give up, let go,
let the low hanging fruit die on the vine.
A selection of Victorian Choking Paintings will appear in a group show –
ATTRACTION The Science of Love. The Gallery at 3517.
3517 W.Sunset Blvd, Silver Lake, CA 90026. Feb 8th – March 24th
Opening reception: February 8th 7-9pm
John Tottenham 