Posts tagged ‘Arrogance’

April 9, 2020

False Starts, Dead Ends

So, reluctantly and in vain, I take up my own vain cause.

I can feel my powers—such as they are, such as they were—waning.

It’s a shame that I didn’t use them more when I was in full possession of them. But it’s too late now to fret over considerations of repetition and hesitation. 
Maybe this is where I can finally begin, with the conviction that I have nothing to say. It’s not the most original idea, but I’m running out of steam, running out of ideas, running out of time, and I can’t allow the fact that I have nothing to say stop me from saying something. Although it isn’t easy to suspend self-disbelief and succumb to the phenomenal arrogance of imagining anybody might take an interest in this.

Paragraph by paragraph, I anticipate my potential readers dropping away, wearied and irritated by this tiresome outpouring. But I must insist on pressing forward, if only to honor a life’s work of discarded manuscripts. With so much unfinished, so much unbegun, nothing, no matter how worthless, can be thrown out anymore. I have to complete something, even if it is ignoble of sentiment and unsound of construction; even if it’s not up to the standards of what I once threw out; even if it is the exact opposite of what I had once hoped to achieve—that I was probably never capable of achieving in the first place—even if it reflects badly upon me, even if it is rubbish. Unseemly as it is to be carrying on like this, and tedious as it must be to others, I intend to force myself forward, and, for once in my life, finish something.

The very thought of it made me want to lie down.

I got up from my chair and stretched out on the sofa.